2 years later Short Journal (4 months old) – Spirit Man’s Heart

Today (four months ago) is one of many days that I have lived without escape. Or so it seems. Escape, from what? is the the question that people dear to me and I dear to them, have been trying to figure out. But I think the question isn’t what am I trying to escape, rather I think the question is what am I trying to discover? Games have been a great way for me to delve into a reality that is unlike the reality around me and mine its lore in thousands of real-time hours, however, there isn’t sustenance there, at the end of the day all I mine are simply cache memories that can never be manifested into reality. Man cannot live on their own wisdom alone. Man cannot live on man alone. Man cannot live on digital life…at all. This life isn’t fulfilled via fulfilling Maslow’s hierarchy, its receiving scriptures reality. And if I can be so human to say, it is the basic principles that man lives within that is observed by Jesus who lived them out perfectly. But the basic principle I’m to understand and live within harmoniously are not the principles without but within… If I’m given reign over all that is on the earth, I’m given reign over all within myself. 

Today is one of many days that are unlike most, for the first few days of my transgression I was expected to submit to expectations or else face the consequences. I’m not escaping, I’m not attempting to bury, rather I’m searching to understand, hoping to find, cuirous to see, earnest to discover from the ruins of myself a new self. But can anything new be found by looking in the past? I think what is new is already, but is buried beneath the ruins of so-called “escape”. A digital reality, a mountain of stone over stone, a tomb for my inner man. If the law of attraction is real, then has my inner man been crying out for freedom? Has his consciousness attracted these consequences that will lead to his freedom? And at the moment of his freedom say, “you have found me?” And will I say, “what do you mean?” And he will respond “your zeal like Paul was there, but misdirected” And I will respond, “my zeal?” And he will say, “your zeal for life, for love, for adventure, your zeal for creativity, for energy, for community, your zeal for strength, for wisdom, for knowledge…” 

My inner man, has been for sometime seized by my un-self-control to outside forces, and more so, the forces, the darkness, that I let in, which I have not seized, which now seize my inner man. 

Who has mined at their hearts for thousands of real-time hours, reaching down to the one reaching up, that they too would for thousands of hours mine at the mountain encasing my heart? All the sessions with people who gave their time to mine at the ruins burying my inner man with the Word of life, are mining not with worn out pickaxes but with the strength of their renewed inner man. My actions speak louder then words, this builds trust, but what they see is not the wrong I commit, or the substance I abuse, but the intrinsic value of my shackled man. They see not the hurt I do but the tears I shed through eyes they can’t see. They with spiritual tunics wipe away real tears. As a preacher once said “connected to every sin is an unmeet need.” 

The beautiful thing about music is that it is felt by the heart, it eases the mind, and lifts up the spirit. That is why I believe that these principles I’m to live harmoniously with have no sway within because my heart is encased within a mountain. The principles I’m to live harmoniously with can be likened to music notes on a music sheet. I can be likened to an instrument. My will the breath I breathe into the trumpet, the fingers I strum the guitar with, the hands that hold the sticks to beat against the drums. However, I am the unskilful musician but, I AM the architect of light, the one who desires to be the conductor of my I am, jealous, yet patient, calling me to be still and know that he is both jealous and patient. He slowly mines, slowly stirs, slowly frees, gently directs, gently motivates, gently removes, and gently plays the instrument that I am. 

———-

An old thought, four months old to be exact. A fossil in the land before rebuke. 

2 year later Short Journal – From I to Eye

I was abused, deceived, and abandoned by someone I thought I knew, though this is not a cry for help for I have received the help I needed and have come to a new chapter in my life, this is a short account of what has happened, and I hope that those of you who resonate with this find hope, encouragement, and strength to face your own battles. 

He was a powerful foe, an adversary like no other, and he nearly ended all that was good in my life. He spoke eloquently of dreams, and character, and life, but after two years he has nothing to show for it. His weapon of choice was his ill will, though unconscious at times of his actions, they were potent, and his eye fixed like a hungry dog muting out reason, he attacked. Impulsive, addicted, scrambling for his next fix, attached to no substance ready to let go of all his commitments to obtain his drug of choice. He was ready to do anything, dangerous, out of character, outside the frame of his mind, thus that was the last straw for those around him. Finally in one stroke he found himself looking in the face of reality, it was all too painful, and it was all too messy. He got very angry, but he was alone, and no one was there to hear his BOUTS OF RAGE, DENIAL, and JUSTIFICATION, for he converted all his resources as tinder to burn every bridge behind him.

 All I could do was watch. The damage was done. My voice,  silent. The help around me was excellent but I needed more than that. I have no physical injuries, only the actions ingrained in their (family, mentors, friend’s) minds were enough to mark me. 

He had set the Standard for failure and he was willing to do anything to obtain it. What a fool, what a mindless animal, I wish I could have stopped him before the damage was done. He can hardly write now, he has lost his passion and his way in the realm of words. But even more so, he marked his head as a target, not to be sought after,  but to be despised. He has killed his character, and by doing so he has killed me. For the greatest enemy I’ve ever faced was myself. And I am deeply burdened by the weight of the consequences of my actions. However, in the midst of the dead marshes there is hope. I was not alone in the fight but I was alone in my world. I was not alone in my struggle but I was in my problem. All that could be done was like helpless onlookers watching the pieces of me fall apart. But there was more than I could see at the moment happening. Like First Responders during a crisis,  many pieces were moving by different modes and vehicles to get to the center of catastrophe. Their sacrifice was great, their heart I have hurt, yet moved to get to me before I lost my self. 

——–

Today I dislike the word I. Because I, was my drug of choice. Now I’m moving from I to eye, so I can see from other people’s point of view. So I can hear what makes other people’s heart beat. 

Where do we go from here? Changing the culture from me to we. We cannot swing from I to I or me to me, but from me to you, and us to them. The most dangerous drug of choice is the selfish mindset of me, myself, and I. Let’s try living by the motto Eye TO Eye than an Eye for an Eye.  

Perhaps this may or may not resonate with you, but ask yourself this question:

Am I curious about other people’s religion, interests, philosophies, and/or perspectives? 

If you can hear their story, and share your own, we are moving one step closer to a more unified world. 

If this Journal inspired you to think, or inspired you in anyway, please share it. Thank you. 

Seriously, God’s faithfulness.

God’s faithfulness. God’s wisdom.

It is supposed, even assumed. It is the norm, it is the way. It seems that without this thinking, or strategy, principle, or a series of check marks of accomplished objectives, that ‘it’ won’t work. It seems that vision, the drive of the desire, the goal, the tickling sensation of success is no longer a lofty endeavour, but a risk that is unnecessary… but its okay we have the empty boxes yet to be marked with slanted reverse mirrored L’s.

Obtaining that God-given heart’s desire is not a practical goal, but a risky hope.

God has given us a goal, yet we walk complacent from our God with boxes and boxes of marked papers and carefully thought out, extravagant essays… yet I hear the words “Multiply and Prosper”, yet i hear the words “ask in my [Jesus] name and it shall be done”, I hear have faith the size of a mustard seed… and yet I see fear the size of pharisaical piety… and the “it”, the “supposed, assumed” accepted “way,” is our way, our wisdom, our strength.

I am confused with this generation of God-fearing Christians: The fear of God is as long as their devotional; their religious piety is as long as the emotional high of their worship hymn.

Where is the faithful, God-fearing, in spirit and in truth believer? One that trusts in and leans on and adheres to God, acknowledging Him as He straightens his sons or daughters path?

Are we doing our faith within the confines of our own wisdom?

God’s promises are always a YES. Outside the meaning of His promises and will, I don’t think even sackcloth and ashes will do me any good.
(But that is not to say that God won’t answer my prayer…He can if He chooses to.)

In my 3-4 years walk, run, jog, hop, skip, fall, rise, with Christ :

God answered my prayer for a job, by blessing me with one, then He asked me to give up my job for missions, and I did (which took me four months of prayer), then He asked me to give up this avenue of missions and I did as He lead me into another area of missions… and now He has put into me an incredible desire, and Has been lifting me up from a series of depression and anxiety. He has been strengthing my identity in Him…but it was hard, I stumbled, i fought, i fell, but He kept my eyes on Him, He kept my heart on Him, He kept me in community, He surrounded me with incredible God-fearing people, He loved me all the way through it all.

God is faithful.

3:17 Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

16 The preparations of the heart belong to man,
But the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.

2 All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes,
But the Lord weighs the spirits.

3 Commit your works to the Lord,
And your thoughts will be established.

In Jesus Name.