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Christopher (Turtle) Dumitru

Have you met your shadow? His name is anxiety.

Build from the conscious pit that is depression. The chasm’s imagination for death is always thirsty. There are eyes burning red, they burn for they are lost in their only animalistic impulse. Recognize those eyes. Fall deep into them and find your way into their lost soul. And with you bring back a piece of their eternal brokenness… and write.

From consciousness
To imagination
To thirst
To the manifestation
To recognizing its depth
To what lives in its heart
To fleshing out the dry bones stuck in the miry decay of anxiety.

Everything starts with consciousness. Are you conscious of your own consciousness? I bet you are now. That euphoric sensation of realizing something you have always possessed confirms or reaffirms your ownership of something.

Jesus, Reign Victoriously

Back to Square…

WON

PRIDE

The nerve gas of deception, and the sting of held back truth burns through to the bone and leaving him abandoned with the taste of self constructed condemnation. It isn’t over. This is war. Within he musters his will to not let it happen to him again. The lie that he suffered by the hand of one he thought he could trust has now turned on a hinge of indirect psychological warfare.

Determined that he will succeed in this, for

I am the master of trickery and the bribe of bribes,” he declares.

Every piece of me creams with the words kill, steal, and destroy. There is literally nothing that I cannot break. Everything has its breaking point and I will do whatever it takes to find it. Of course, in a hidden, and secured way. Fastened with the element of time, destruction will be the reign of their inner most being, and terror will be on their quivering lips.

But this is all going back to square one. This is falling from grace. This is where he will find the misery of misery, crushed beneath the rock of the universe, and to walk in the path of revenge, hate, and anger he will have found himself a room beside the corpse of the devil himself.

It is almost inconceivable to believe that the devil is alone with him. In fact the devil is only one being. For the devil to spend time with him would mean that he is a threat to the devils temporary existence. He is the awaited symbol of the devils predestined destruction. The bribe of bribes, the trick of tricks, has decided to whisper lies into the pores of his skin and lick the sores of the wounds he inflicts. He then turns thinking to himself “what a mess I am…”

This is true.

I have become a mess for I have followed on a level the bread crumbs of disease.
For the crumbs I consume are the lies I believe.

In his debauchery he has cursed God to his face, rejecting every miracle he has made and forsook his word. Having turned from truth and been molded by the darkness, he injects into his heart, bruising and tearing from the inside out.


Humility

Cures

Worldliness


Submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.
Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.

What force does the devil have outside manipulation? Truth conquers all. Truth reigns forever. Manipulation and every evil device cannot escape the climax of destruction. Every action taken against God has in itself tasted death as soon as it was conceived in the heart. And the heart, full of death, has tasted death many times, and finds no peace.

He must increase
And I
Must decrease.

Jesus, Reign Victoriously

Give my belief system to God?

I Say Yes

I have strayed from God’s Yes for my life.
I have fallen into former, dead, past temptations…
God showed up again. This time in the midst of worship. He said to me, Let me believe in you.
What a profound love! If His thoughts for me are as great as they are and as many as the sand in the sea, how great is this offer.

My imperfections are many. Like a naked night sky, you cannot tell where it begins or ends. I cannot look at one point of the sky and say, this is where it begins and to another point, this is where it ends. My imperfections are as ‘pointless’, yet vast as the naked night sky.

God asks me to give my ability to believe to Him. And let Him believe in me.

God, if You were to open my mind up and look inside, what would you say or do?

As an editor edits, he makes the story his own. He takes the errors and with who he is makes the corrections, keeping true to His discipline.
God disciplines me, He takes me as His own, and with His heart sculpts me into His excellence.

This particular scripture verse came to mind:

James 1: 2 – 8

There are flaws in my theology. He who edits and refines me has no flaw. All I do is acknowledge what He has done and is doing. I become that which I recognize, but I can only recognize what He has let me see.
I see a work He is doing. It obviously is foolishness to the world. As a person who is influential, I am easily influenced, but the wisdom of God, that is foolishness, influences me to pursue this life. I do not perceive the ‘foolishness’ but I understand it from their [the worlds’] perspective.

I am given a new mind, a new life, a new love.


What is attached to will?

I died when I first confessed Jesus as my personal Lord and saviour. I died when I was baptised in His name, immersed in Jesus, born of the Spirit. My will signed and handed over that very day.

“…not my will but His will be done”

Firstly He owns me because He died for me, let alone created me. We who have said Yes to God, have become beneficiaries of the Kingdom of God. Everything He has is mine.
Of course what I do with what He has given to me is done with and according to His will, not mine.

He must increase and I must decrease.

This is not a statement but a choice I choose daily. Much like when I have died in Christ, i will also be raised with Him in glory. He asks me, “Do you want to receive what I believe?”
Until He has given me this opportunity to say Yes, I will not be able to move, or to change, or evolve.
This question has a sacrifice attached – I must decrease and He must increase.

Seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added to you.
It is not seeking a physical kingdom of acts or works, but a Kingdom that is hidden within the heart of God. It is HIS will. Emphasis on WILL – desire, wishes, hope, longing for…
Is my heart in the will of God? Am I bringing to present God’s desire? Am I manifesting The Kingdom of God with my life?

What is God’s will?
What does God’s Kingdom look like?

As I make God’s desire my core, and my life His instrument to use to fulfill, to make manifest His Kingdom, the resources I need will come.

Now I don’t want to deceive myself into works. I ask God to activate my heart for His desires.

I have said Yes to God. I will do my part as the Lord does His.
To guard my Yes, to live my Yes, and to work with God’s Yes.

Revelation: Joy of the Lord

Lately I’ve taken a liking to keeping my attitude high and pointing my mind in the right direction. Cramming a few authors words into my brain, not quite organizing the emotion, and hammering the positive into my brain. I realized that I’ve been taking it all the wrong way. The positivity I read in these books are simply reflections of what is possible inside of me. (Shut up, shut up, shut up) I hear an inner dialogue snuffing out what is inside, I feel trains of thought swallowing their own suicide pill. But no more. I have authority. I own my power. And I am fully capable:  over my thoughts, my words, my actions.

In fact I do know what I want, or at least know WHO I want to be – to  be a disciplined, extraordinary,  high achieving man.
I am a no limits person.
I am truly able. The only disability is my ability of not believing in the possibility of and taking now the present, and tangible opportunity.

 

These books inspire my train of thought to move in the right direction, but if I do not discipline my thoughts in negative situations towards positivity, creativity, opportunity, I am failing… momentarily.  (Because I recognize that what is possible is ALWAYS possible. Perhaps it may not practically in common sense be immediately achievable, but in time it will.)

 

I recognize that what I need is inside of me. The drive, its there. What it is not is material. Rather what is inside me is a desire to achieve a mental goal in the external world.
(What is possible has happened inside of me already! Now its bringing it by expressing it by living it.)

 

Honesty, integrity, purity, insight, maturity, growth, change, love, life, truth… these things have been in my heart and have found its way outside of me in one form or another. But what also has been there is insecurity, dishonesty, and fear. These have lived inside of me by my own hands. Not by others. I chose them, but now I choose to evict them like the legion of demons into the pigs.
Fear, insecurity, and dishonesty are dead. What has taken their place is honesty, integrity, and truth.

 

As I live in the real world I ought to make my plan of action, know what elements I am working with, what attitude is required me, and how I can make the best for everyone I encounter.

 

I effect my environment! I am the catalyst in the test tube of my atmosphere! I change the emotional climate as well as shifting the thought towards everlasting truth.

 

My everything communicates. My voice. My eyes. my movement. And I move, and speak, and think with sincerity because it is the only way life works. Life is sincere in its living. Light is sincere in its shining, oh! how it shines!

 

I am light!
I am salt!
I am life!
I am truth!
I am love!
I am goodness!

Jesus dances inside me!
Jesus sings inside me!
Jesus heals inside me!
Jesus rejoices inside me!
Jesus loves inside me!
Jesus laughs inside me!
Jesus is
The Way,
The Truth,
The Life!
And he lives inside of me.

Now I shall live it outside of me. For these things are an extension of my invisible yet tangible heart. These things are me and I am them!
 

Forget the past! Live in the present! Fix the problem now! Change now for tomorrow! Give now for it is the only time to give! Share, laugh, love, encourage for this is a great gift!

 

16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.

Filthy Nobility

Introduction:

In a place where I need to dump my thoughts.

(My mind loses all sense of time.)

In a world where I live that tells me that I ought not trust my emotions.

(I feel like I’ve lost my purpose.)

In a world that tells me that my heart is filled with unruly evil.

(…I will let God be God.)

Message:

If I teach from my hearts desire…

I’ll make filthy every person who receives me.

But if I teach from the heart of God,

And they receive it,

They receive God.

Daily Thought – just a storm

” Surrounded by funnel clouds all day.

When I wake I hear the raging wind,

When I sleep,

I dream of it’s violence – YOU’RE A LIAR!

Surrounded by funeral clouds all day.

When I wake I hear the mourning wind,

When I sleep,

I dream of it’s loneliness – NO ONE LIKES YOU!

Surrounded by falling clouds all day.

When I wake I hear the whistling wind,

When I sleep,

I dream of it’s failures – YOU’LL AMOUNT TO NOTHING! ”

– When I stop to see through the veil, I see that the sun is shining.

I’m bitten by the very sound of my inner ear, imprisoned by the very voice that I fight for to be heard. Its this very voice that breaks me down, and ironically its the same voice that builds me up.

Sometimes there are two of me, living in one body. A happy, ME, and a don’t give a flying f***, ME. Like conjoined twins, we share impulses – hunger, bathroom break, pretty girls. But when something is happening, one hides and the other is in the spotlight. When I need the best of me, the other is snuffed out.

My thoughts, often are, in this rainy season, cloudy. There is a storm, and it isn’t just reigning in my head. For every issue flows freely from my heart. It spills into every action, every word spoken, and every decision made.

I thirst but I can’t collect it.

I’m dry but it melts my cup.

Shift. Shift. Swerve. Shift.

Firstly, I am naturally an introvert, secondly, I cannot convince myself of this statement: I know what  I want!

My paradigms have found an update feature somewhere in my psyche. My paradigms are constantly changing. With that said, what “I” think “I” want changes too.

What is important to me? This/these thing/s; will shed light on my current behavior – frustration, rationalizing a split second plan. (I’ll move my King here – pinning myself in front of the only piece I have left – because it “feels” right… my emotions do not tell me I have already lost, they told me I can still win if I just keep feeling like I could…right…check mate.)

There is a simple answer, and there is a profound, insightful, detailed, layered answer – which one is the best? The simple answer is easier to work with, it might even be conventional and agree’s with common sense. But the profound answer, in my dominant (left) hand, might take a little research time, and may even suggest unconventional thinking. Either way I am faced with two ways of answering this question (What is important to me?), with one life time to answer, and no time to waste fussing over. So, what is important to me? Before I go any further answering this question…my brain wants to ask one more.

What is the third alternative? This cropped up an image of honesty: Perhaps, it is to realize my reality. Breathe in the fragrance of my here and now and live in the actualization of my past choices. In other words, embrace my circumstance and deal with it.

As I deal with my circumstance I also am dealing with my paradigm shift.

The reason, perhaps, I embrace these shifting paradigms, and ‘am content with not being able to answer “I know what I want” is simply yet profoundly this, my Inner Man is maturing into a Deeper, Fruitful Man. Not for myself alone, but for the benefit of others. The old is gone and the new has come – with the end in mind. And this is not so mysterious to me.

What is important to me?

People. We cannot lie about this one simple statement, we need people. How did a man cross the Sahara when Sand Buggies didn’t exist?  Camels. People are not camels, but we need each other to help carry the burdens on our back across the heavy waves of life. We need people. I NEED PEOPLE.  

Is this why I cannot fix my mind on what I want? Is it because where I go I desire to have people walk with me? Do I want to share the experience and the journey with them?  This is a whole new set of desires.

I know I will continually walk alone with these questions. Finding the answer as my paradigms shift. Finding the answer as I allow my paradigms to shift. Nonetheless having found an answer… whether I like it or not.

What is important to me? People. Although this is just ONE priority. People, loving on them, being with them, helping them, the idea is a complex property in the intricate web of my paradigms. I see a little more clearly now. What I want cannot be for me alone but for the benefit of others. Sounds counter-cultural. Maybe that is why I am frustrated. But I will co-operate with the shift. Something new is about to happen. I want to be there for it.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. – Isaiah 43: 19


As I was writing this, my lovely girlfriend sent me a text message –

“ABC has been reinstated for student loans…”

This is part of my reality, but there is now a way for me to continue on the road a head of me.


Lastly,

When I lose control my mind tries to take control of the things it can. I like having control. I like being in control. But somethings are so far out of my control that I cannot handle it anymore. I break. I fight. I fall into a mindset of hopelessness. But this is the walk, which has come to embrace me.

My brain feels like this: Shift. Shift. Swerve. Shift…. such is life.

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