2 years later Short Journal (4 months old) – Spirit Man’s Heart

Today (four months ago) is one of many days that I have lived without escape. Or so it seems. Escape, from what? is the the question that people dear to me and I dear to them, have been trying to figure out. But I think the question isn’t what am I trying to escape, rather I think the question is what am I trying to discover? Games have been a great way for me to delve into a reality that is unlike the reality around me and mine its lore in thousands of real-time hours, however, there isn’t sustenance there, at the end of the day all I mine are simply cache memories that can never be manifested into reality. Man cannot live on their own wisdom alone. Man cannot live on man alone. Man cannot live on digital life…at all. This life isn’t fulfilled via fulfilling Maslow’s hierarchy, its receiving scriptures reality. And if I can be so human to say, it is the basic principles that man lives within that is observed by Jesus who lived them out perfectly. But the basic principle I’m to understand and live within harmoniously are not the principles without but within… If I’m given reign over all that is on the earth, I’m given reign over all within myself. 

Today is one of many days that are unlike most, for the first few days of my transgression I was expected to submit to expectations or else face the consequences. I’m not escaping, I’m not attempting to bury, rather I’m searching to understand, hoping to find, cuirous to see, earnest to discover from the ruins of myself a new self. But can anything new be found by looking in the past? I think what is new is already, but is buried beneath the ruins of so-called “escape”. A digital reality, a mountain of stone over stone, a tomb for my inner man. If the law of attraction is real, then has my inner man been crying out for freedom? Has his consciousness attracted these consequences that will lead to his freedom? And at the moment of his freedom say, “you have found me?” And will I say, “what do you mean?” And he will respond “your zeal like Paul was there, but misdirected” And I will respond, “my zeal?” And he will say, “your zeal for life, for love, for adventure, your zeal for creativity, for energy, for community, your zeal for strength, for wisdom, for knowledge…” 

My inner man, has been for sometime seized by my un-self-control to outside forces, and more so, the forces, the darkness, that I let in, which I have not seized, which now seize my inner man. 

Who has mined at their hearts for thousands of real-time hours, reaching down to the one reaching up, that they too would for thousands of hours mine at the mountain encasing my heart? All the sessions with people who gave their time to mine at the ruins burying my inner man with the Word of life, are mining not with worn out pickaxes but with the strength of their renewed inner man. My actions speak louder then words, this builds trust, but what they see is not the wrong I commit, or the substance I abuse, but the intrinsic value of my shackled man. They see not the hurt I do but the tears I shed through eyes they can’t see. They with spiritual tunics wipe away real tears. As a preacher once said “connected to every sin is an unmeet need.” 

The beautiful thing about music is that it is felt by the heart, it eases the mind, and lifts up the spirit. That is why I believe that these principles I’m to live harmoniously with have no sway within because my heart is encased within a mountain. The principles I’m to live harmoniously with can be likened to music notes on a music sheet. I can be likened to an instrument. My will the breath I breathe into the trumpet, the fingers I strum the guitar with, the hands that hold the sticks to beat against the drums. However, I am the unskilful musician but, I AM the architect of light, the one who desires to be the conductor of my I am, jealous, yet patient, calling me to be still and know that he is both jealous and patient. He slowly mines, slowly stirs, slowly frees, gently directs, gently motivates, gently removes, and gently plays the instrument that I am. 


An old thought, four months old to be exact. A fossil in the land before rebuke. 


2 year later Short Journal – From I to Eye

I was abused, deceived, and abandoned by someone I thought I knew, though this is not a cry for help for I have received the help I needed and have come to a new chapter in my life, this is a short account of what has happened, and I hope that those of you who resonate with this find hope, encouragement, and strength to face your own battles. 

He was a powerful foe, an adversary like no other, and he nearly ended all that was good in my life. He spoke eloquently of dreams, and character, and life, but after two years he has nothing to show for it. His weapon of choice was his ill will, though unconscious at times of his actions, they were potent, and his eye fixed like a hungry dog muting out reason, he attacked. Impulsive, addicted, scrambling for his next fix, attached to no substance ready to let go of all his commitments to obtain his drug of choice. He was ready to do anything, dangerous, out of character, outside the frame of his mind, thus that was the last straw for those around him. Finally in one stroke he found himself looking in the face of reality, it was all too painful, and it was all too messy. He got very angry, but he was alone, and no one was there to hear his BOUTS OF RAGE, DENIAL, and JUSTIFICATION, for he converted all his resources as tinder to burn every bridge behind him.

 All I could do was watch. The damage was done. My voice,  silent. The help around me was excellent but I needed more than that. I have no physical injuries, only the actions ingrained in their (family, mentors, friend’s) minds were enough to mark me. 

He had set the Standard for failure and he was willing to do anything to obtain it. What a fool, what a mindless animal, I wish I could have stopped him before the damage was done. He can hardly write now, he has lost his passion and his way in the realm of words. But even more so, he marked his head as a target, not to be sought after,  but to be despised. He has killed his character, and by doing so he has killed me. For the greatest enemy I’ve ever faced was myself. And I am deeply burdened by the weight of the consequences of my actions. However, in the midst of the dead marshes there is hope. I was not alone in the fight but I was alone in my world. I was not alone in my struggle but I was in my problem. All that could be done was like helpless onlookers watching the pieces of me fall apart. But there was more than I could see at the moment happening. Like First Responders during a crisis,  many pieces were moving by different modes and vehicles to get to the center of catastrophe. Their sacrifice was great, their heart I have hurt, yet moved to get to me before I lost my self. 


Today I dislike the word I. Because I, was my drug of choice. Now I’m moving from I to eye, so I can see from other people’s point of view. So I can hear what makes other people’s heart beat. 

Where do we go from here? Changing the culture from me to we. We cannot swing from I to I or me to me, but from me to you, and us to them. The most dangerous drug of choice is the selfish mindset of me, myself, and I. Let’s try living by the motto Eye TO Eye than an Eye for an Eye.  

Perhaps this may or may not resonate with you, but ask yourself this question:

Am I curious about other people’s religion, interests, philosophies, and/or perspectives? 

If you can hear their story, and share your own, we are moving one step closer to a more unified world. 

If this Journal inspired you to think, or inspired you in anyway, please share it. Thank you. 

Seriously, God’s faithfulness.

God’s faithfulness. God’s wisdom.

It is supposed, even assumed. It is the norm, it is the way. It seems that without this thinking, or strategy, principle, or a series of check marks of accomplished objectives, that ‘it’ won’t work. It seems that vision, the drive of the desire, the goal, the tickling sensation of success is no longer a lofty endeavour, but a risk that is unnecessary… but its okay we have the empty boxes yet to be marked with slanted reverse mirrored L’s.

Obtaining that God-given heart’s desire is not a practical goal, but a risky hope.

God has given us a goal, yet we walk complacent from our God with boxes and boxes of marked papers and carefully thought out, extravagant essays… yet I hear the words “Multiply and Prosper”, yet i hear the words “ask in my [Jesus] name and it shall be done”, I hear have faith the size of a mustard seed… and yet I see fear the size of pharisaical piety… and the “it”, the “supposed, assumed” accepted “way,” is our way, our wisdom, our strength.

I am confused with this generation of God-fearing Christians: The fear of God is as long as their devotional; their religious piety is as long as the emotional high of their worship hymn.

Where is the faithful, God-fearing, in spirit and in truth believer? One that trusts in and leans on and adheres to God, acknowledging Him as He straightens his sons or daughters path?

Are we doing our faith within the confines of our own wisdom?

God’s promises are always a YES. Outside the meaning of His promises and will, I don’t think even sackcloth and ashes will do me any good.
(But that is not to say that God won’t answer my prayer…He can if He chooses to.)

In my 3-4 years walk, run, jog, hop, skip, fall, rise, with Christ :

God answered my prayer for a job, by blessing me with one, then He asked me to give up my job for missions, and I did (which took me four months of prayer), then He asked me to give up this avenue of missions and I did as He lead me into another area of missions… and now He has put into me an incredible desire, and Has been lifting me up from a series of depression and anxiety. He has been strengthing my identity in Him…but it was hard, I stumbled, i fought, i fell, but He kept my eyes on Him, He kept my heart on Him, He kept me in community, He surrounded me with incredible God-fearing people, He loved me all the way through it all.

God is faithful.

3:17 Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

16 The preparations of the heart belong to man,
But the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.

2 All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes,
But the Lord weighs the spirits.

3 Commit your works to the Lord,
And your thoughts will be established.

In Jesus Name.

Put your Future on yourself!

Put your future
on yourself
Not on your school,
Not on your parents,
Not on your friends,
But on yourself.

Trust yourself.
Trust yourself today.
Love yourself today.

Know you are valuable.
Keep moving forward!

Put your future on yourself.

But know you’re not alone!

God knows your heart,
He has everything under control,
As He does His part,
Do yours!

Keep moving forward!


The greatest story ever told is not the one you have read, but the one you are walking through right now. And no story ever was worth reading without a conflict. But perhaps you are in conflict…

The desire, the goal, the dream you were pursuing has some how fizzled out, become foggy, and or beaten under the winds of life, lies, temptations, shortcuts, and doubts. Your legs may feel weak, your mind may feel strange, your heart in a dark place, you may be feeling the circumstances of your past weighing you down. But know that in this place God is your editor. He see’s your story, and is the giver of desires. Your leg’s are weak because you need new strength. Your mind may feel strange because you need a new voice. Your heart is in the dark, and you hear it crying out for light. God knows your circumstances.

God hears your tears.

God has a turning point for you, He has a plot twist in the plot twist of your life.

Call out to Him.

Call out to the author of life.

Jesus wants to revive your dreams, revive your strength, revive your voice, revive your heart.

As you come to a turning point in your life, it isn’t the end. It is just another turning point towards a new beginning. And as you come to these points… share your story, people need to hear your story.

Fighting Forward

Moving forward from depression
towards excellence.
Towards happiness.
 I’ve been fighting an internal battle,
 It feels like an eternal battle.
 But there is a victory date.
 And it was a yesterday.
I am a winner!
 I know God is there,
he wants me to use my brain.
 He wants me to use my power.
Use your power.
You have the power.
In fact,
I give myself permission to win.
I am a winner!
I give myself permission to be excellent.
I am excellent!
I choose today, right now,
To fight forward.

Have you met your shadow? His name is anxiety.

Build from the conscious pit that is depression. The chasm’s imagination for death is always thirsty. There are eyes burning red, they burn for they are lost in their only animalistic impulse. Recognize those eyes. Fall deep into them and find your way into their lost soul. And with you bring back a piece of their eternal brokenness… and write.

From consciousness
To imagination
To thirst
To the manifestation
To recognizing its depth
To what lives in its heart
To fleshing out the dry bones stuck in the miry decay of anxiety.

Everything starts with consciousness. Are you conscious of your own consciousness? I bet you are now. That euphoric sensation of realizing something you have always possessed confirms or reaffirms your ownership of something.

Jesus, Reign Victoriously

Back to Square…



The nerve gas of deception, and the sting of held back truth burns through to the bone and leaving him abandoned with the taste of self constructed condemnation. It isn’t over. This is war. Within he musters his will to not let it happen to him again. The lie that he suffered by the hand of one he thought he could trust has now turned on a hinge of indirect psychological warfare.

Determined that he will succeed in this, for

I am the master of trickery and the bribe of bribes,” he declares.

Every piece of me creams with the words kill, steal, and destroy. There is literally nothing that I cannot break. Everything has its breaking point and I will do whatever it takes to find it. Of course, in a hidden, and secured way. Fastened with the element of time, destruction will be the reign of their inner most being, and terror will be on their quivering lips.

But this is all going back to square one. This is falling from grace. This is where he will find the misery of misery, crushed beneath the rock of the universe, and to walk in the path of revenge, hate, and anger he will have found himself a room beside the corpse of the devil himself.

It is almost inconceivable to believe that the devil is alone with him. In fact the devil is only one being. For the devil to spend time with him would mean that he is a threat to the devils temporary existence. He is the awaited symbol of the devils predestined destruction. The bribe of bribes, the trick of tricks, has decided to whisper lies into the pores of his skin and lick the sores of the wounds he inflicts. He then turns thinking to himself “what a mess I am…”

This is true.

I have become a mess for I have followed on a level the bread crumbs of disease.
For the crumbs I consume are the lies I believe.

In his debauchery he has cursed God to his face, rejecting every miracle he has made and forsook his word. Having turned from truth and been molded by the darkness, he injects into his heart, bruising and tearing from the inside out.




Submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.
Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.

What force does the devil have outside manipulation? Truth conquers all. Truth reigns forever. Manipulation and every evil device cannot escape the climax of destruction. Every action taken against God has in itself tasted death as soon as it was conceived in the heart. And the heart, full of death, has tasted death many times, and finds no peace.

He must increase
And I
Must decrease.

Jesus, Reign Victoriously

Give my belief system to God?

I Say Yes

I have strayed from God’s Yes for my life.
I have fallen into former, dead, past temptations…
God showed up again. This time in the midst of worship. He said to me, Let me believe in you.
What a profound love! If His thoughts for me are as great as they are and as many as the sand in the sea, how great is this offer.

My imperfections are many. Like a naked night sky, you cannot tell where it begins or ends. I cannot look at one point of the sky and say, this is where it begins and to another point, this is where it ends. My imperfections are as ‘pointless’, yet vast as the naked night sky.

God asks me to give my ability to believe to Him. And let Him believe in me.

God, if You were to open my mind up and look inside, what would you say or do?

As an editor edits, he makes the story his own. He takes the errors and with who he is makes the corrections, keeping true to His discipline.
God disciplines me, He takes me as His own, and with His heart sculpts me into His excellence.

This particular scripture verse came to mind:

James 1: 2 – 8

There are flaws in my theology. He who edits and refines me has no flaw. All I do is acknowledge what He has done and is doing. I become that which I recognize, but I can only recognize what He has let me see.
I see a work He is doing. It obviously is foolishness to the world. As a person who is influential, I am easily influenced, but the wisdom of God, that is foolishness, influences me to pursue this life. I do not perceive the ‘foolishness’ but I understand it from their [the worlds’] perspective.

I am given a new mind, a new life, a new love.

What is attached to will?

I died when I first confessed Jesus as my personal Lord and saviour. I died when I was baptised in His name, immersed in Jesus, born of the Spirit. My will signed and handed over that very day.

“…not my will but His will be done”

Firstly He owns me because He died for me, let alone created me. We who have said Yes to God, have become beneficiaries of the Kingdom of God. Everything He has is mine.
Of course what I do with what He has given to me is done with and according to His will, not mine.

He must increase and I must decrease.

This is not a statement but a choice I choose daily. Much like when I have died in Christ, i will also be raised with Him in glory. He asks me, “Do you want to receive what I believe?”
Until He has given me this opportunity to say Yes, I will not be able to move, or to change, or evolve.
This question has a sacrifice attached – I must decrease and He must increase.

Seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added to you.
It is not seeking a physical kingdom of acts or works, but a Kingdom that is hidden within the heart of God. It is HIS will. Emphasis on WILL – desire, wishes, hope, longing for…
Is my heart in the will of God? Am I bringing to present God’s desire? Am I manifesting The Kingdom of God with my life?

What is God’s will?
What does God’s Kingdom look like?

As I make God’s desire my core, and my life His instrument to use to fulfill, to make manifest His Kingdom, the resources I need will come.

Now I don’t want to deceive myself into works. I ask God to activate my heart for His desires.

I have said Yes to God. I will do my part as the Lord does His.
To guard my Yes, to live my Yes, and to work with God’s Yes.

Revelation: Joy of the Lord

Lately I’ve taken a liking to keeping my attitude high and pointing my mind in the right direction. Cramming a few authors words into my brain, not quite organizing the emotion, and hammering the positive into my brain. I realized that I’ve been taking it all the wrong way. The positivity I read in these books are simply reflections of what is possible inside of me. (Shut up, shut up, shut up) I hear an inner dialogue snuffing out what is inside, I feel trains of thought swallowing their own suicide pill. But no more. I have authority. I own my power. And I am fully capable:  over my thoughts, my words, my actions.

In fact I do know what I want, or at least know WHO I want to be – to  be a disciplined, extraordinary,  high achieving man.
I am a no limits person.
I am truly able. The only disability is my ability of not believing in the possibility of and taking now the present, and tangible opportunity.


These books inspire my train of thought to move in the right direction, but if I do not discipline my thoughts in negative situations towards positivity, creativity, opportunity, I am failing… momentarily.  (Because I recognize that what is possible is ALWAYS possible. Perhaps it may not practically in common sense be immediately achievable, but in time it will.)


I recognize that what I need is inside of me. The drive, its there. What it is not is material. Rather what is inside me is a desire to achieve a mental goal in the external world.
(What is possible has happened inside of me already! Now its bringing it by expressing it by living it.)


Honesty, integrity, purity, insight, maturity, growth, change, love, life, truth… these things have been in my heart and have found its way outside of me in one form or another. But what also has been there is insecurity, dishonesty, and fear. These have lived inside of me by my own hands. Not by others. I chose them, but now I choose to evict them like the legion of demons into the pigs.
Fear, insecurity, and dishonesty are dead. What has taken their place is honesty, integrity, and truth.


As I live in the real world I ought to make my plan of action, know what elements I am working with, what attitude is required me, and how I can make the best for everyone I encounter.


I effect my environment! I am the catalyst in the test tube of my atmosphere! I change the emotional climate as well as shifting the thought towards everlasting truth.


My everything communicates. My voice. My eyes. my movement. And I move, and speak, and think with sincerity because it is the only way life works. Life is sincere in its living. Light is sincere in its shining, oh! how it shines!


I am light!
I am salt!
I am life!
I am truth!
I am love!
I am goodness!

Jesus dances inside me!
Jesus sings inside me!
Jesus heals inside me!
Jesus rejoices inside me!
Jesus loves inside me!
Jesus laughs inside me!
Jesus is
The Way,
The Truth,
The Life!
And he lives inside of me.

Now I shall live it outside of me. For these things are an extension of my invisible yet tangible heart. These things are me and I am them!

Forget the past! Live in the present! Fix the problem now! Change now for tomorrow! Give now for it is the only time to give! Share, laugh, love, encourage for this is a great gift!


16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.