I was in a dark place when I wrote this:

A few days ago I was asking God some hard questions, one of which kept me pounding on his door for a solid hour. “What am I ALLOWED to do with my life?…What am I ALLOWED to do with my life?” I asked again and again until finally he took me to a scripture verse above the Gugyels backdoor, “Seek first the Kingdom.” I wasn’t entirely sure what that meant but I understood that searching for the meaning of my life or even finding permission in whatever resource available to me wouldn’t help me find what I’m allowed to do with my life. God told me to seek first the kingdom. I prayed and God told me… he shifted my perception on that scripture verse. Before I viewed it with a half aloof half near me, understanding. God asked me “when you’re hungry, what do you seek?” I answered, “food,” ” and when you’re thirsty?”, I answered, “water,” The kingdom isn’t something that I wait for to come to me, it is something that is readily available to me as soon as I seek it first. Rather than going to the world for answers, I’ll go to the King.

Seeking first the Kingdom is seeking first the King. I’m thirsty, yet water can temporarily quench my life long thirst. What about my intellectual thirst? The waters of this worlds wisdom will temporarily satisfy but frustrate my desires in the long-term. But the question isn’t what satisfies me forever, because I already know the answer to that question – Jesus. The right question is what am I really searching for? I believe I discovered what that is, and it isn’t what I imagined it would be. My train of thought led me to the conclusion that nothing in this world will ever satisfy my thirst and hunger for my purpose, for intellectual fullness, fruitful work, and happiness. Therefore, what can? That which I’ve been chasing, seeking, hungering and thirsting for led me to ask God that question… what am I allowed to do with my life? which led me to seek the Kingdom, which ultimately led me to see that what I desire in this world has yet to exist. Have I tasted everything this age can manufacture? Not even close but I know that no matter how much money I have I will never be satisfied. Because all the money in the world will never buy me past temporary. My dollar can only purchase the now, and the item refunded will only bring back a dollar that still can only purchase a moment. The dollar I save for the future, is still bound by that moment that has yet to arrive. Therefore my pursuit for more money will not and cannot pull that which I desire closer. So I will go to the King who was and is and is to come. The King who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I will go to the King who in the Old Testament can still do today. Whose hands stretches through the strands of time like strands of hair. There is nothing new under the sun, one might argue, but the voice propelling those words speaks from a before-god perspective. Since my now is with-God, therefore with God there is always something new under His Son. Therefore that which I desire has yet to exist, and because I desire it, and God gives me His desires, it will manifest in my life-time, and in time I will be fully full.


Spiritual Recovery: 

Jesus first 

Wife second

Me third 

Question 1)

What am I allowed to do with my life? 

Steps 1)

Seek first the Kingdom 

Seek the King 

Love my Son 

Question 2) 

There are people with more success and obvious material and spiritual blessings, how do I measure God’s hand on my life? 



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