Today (four months ago) is one of many days that I have lived without escape. Or so it seems. Escape, from what? is the the question that people dear to me and I dear to them, have been trying to figure out. But I think the question isn’t what am I trying to escape, rather I think the question is what am I trying to discover? Games have been a great way for me to delve into a reality that is unlike the reality around me and mine its lore in thousands of real-time hours, however, there isn’t sustenance there, at the end of the day all I mine are simply cache memories that can never be manifested into reality. Man cannot live on their own wisdom alone. Man cannot live on man alone. Man cannot live on digital life…at all. This life isn’t fulfilled via fulfilling Maslow’s hierarchy, its receiving scriptures reality. And if I can be so human to say, it is the basic principles that man lives within that is observed by Jesus who lived them out perfectly. But the basic principle I’m to understand and live within harmoniously are not the principles without but within… If I’m given reign over all that is on the earth, I’m given reign over all within myself. 

Today is one of many days that are unlike most, for the first few days of my transgression I was expected to submit to expectations or else face the consequences. I’m not escaping, I’m not attempting to bury, rather I’m searching to understand, hoping to find, cuirous to see, earnest to discover from the ruins of myself a new self. But can anything new be found by looking in the past? I think what is new is already, but is buried beneath the ruins of so-called “escape”. A digital reality, a mountain of stone over stone, a tomb for my inner man. If the law of attraction is real, then has my inner man been crying out for freedom? Has his consciousness attracted these consequences that will lead to his freedom? And at the moment of his freedom say, “you have found me?” And will I say, “what do you mean?” And he will respond “your zeal like Paul was there, but misdirected” And I will respond, “my zeal?” And he will say, “your zeal for life, for love, for adventure, your zeal for creativity, for energy, for community, your zeal for strength, for wisdom, for knowledge…” 

My inner man, has been for sometime seized by my un-self-control to outside forces, and more so, the forces, the darkness, that I let in, which I have not seized, which now seize my inner man. 

Who has mined at their hearts for thousands of real-time hours, reaching down to the one reaching up, that they too would for thousands of hours mine at the mountain encasing my heart? All the sessions with people who gave their time to mine at the ruins burying my inner man with the Word of life, are mining not with worn out pickaxes but with the strength of their renewed inner man. My actions speak louder then words, this builds trust, but what they see is not the wrong I commit, or the substance I abuse, but the intrinsic value of my shackled man. They see not the hurt I do but the tears I shed through eyes they can’t see. They with spiritual tunics wipe away real tears. As a preacher once said “connected to every sin is an unmeet need.” 

The beautiful thing about music is that it is felt by the heart, it eases the mind, and lifts up the spirit. That is why I believe that these principles I’m to live harmoniously with have no sway within because my heart is encased within a mountain. The principles I’m to live harmoniously with can be likened to music notes on a music sheet. I can be likened to an instrument. My will the breath I breathe into the trumpet, the fingers I strum the guitar with, the hands that hold the sticks to beat against the drums. However, I am the unskilful musician but, I AM the architect of light, the one who desires to be the conductor of my I am, jealous, yet patient, calling me to be still and know that he is both jealous and patient. He slowly mines, slowly stirs, slowly frees, gently directs, gently motivates, gently removes, and gently plays the instrument that I am. 

———-

An old thought, four months old to be exact. A fossil in the land before rebuke. 

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