Firstly, I am naturally an introvert, secondly, I cannot convince myself of this statement: I know what I want!
My paradigms have found an update feature somewhere in my psyche. My paradigms are constantly changing. With that said, what “I” think “I” want changes too.
What is important to me? This/these thing/s; will shed light on my current behavior – frustration, rationalizing a split second plan. (I’ll move my King here – pinning myself in front of the only piece I have left – because it “feels” right… my emotions do not tell me I have already lost, they told me I can still win if I just keep feeling like I could…right…check mate.)
There is a simple answer, and there is a profound, insightful, detailed, layered answer – which one is the best? The simple answer is easier to work with, it might even be conventional and agree’s with common sense. But the profound answer, in my dominant (left) hand, might take a little research time, and may even suggest unconventional thinking. Either way I am faced with two ways of answering this question (What is important to me?), with one life time to answer, and no time to waste fussing over. So, what is important to me? Before I go any further answering this question…my brain wants to ask one more.
What is the third alternative? This cropped up an image of honesty: Perhaps, it is to realize my reality. Breathe in the fragrance of my here and now and live in the actualization of my past choices. In other words, embrace my circumstance and deal with it.
As I deal with my circumstance I also am dealing with my paradigm shift.
The reason, perhaps, I embrace these shifting paradigms, and ‘am content with not being able to answer “I know what I want” is simply yet profoundly this, my Inner Man is maturing into a Deeper, Fruitful Man. Not for myself alone, but for the benefit of others. The old is gone and the new has come – with the end in mind. And this is not so mysterious to me.
What is important to me?
People. We cannot lie about this one simple statement, we need people. How did a man cross the Sahara when Sand Buggies didn’t exist? Camels. People are not camels, but we need each other to help carry the burdens on our back across the heavy waves of life. We need people. I NEED PEOPLE.
Is this why I cannot fix my mind on what I want? Is it because where I go I desire to have people walk with me? Do I want to share the experience and the journey with them? This is a whole new set of desires.
I know I will continually walk alone with these questions. Finding the answer as my paradigms shift. Finding the answer as I allow my paradigms to shift. Nonetheless having found an answer… whether I like it or not.
What is important to me? People. Although this is just ONE priority. People, loving on them, being with them, helping them, the idea is a complex property in the intricate web of my paradigms. I see a little more clearly now. What I want cannot be for me alone but for the benefit of others. Sounds counter-cultural. Maybe that is why I am frustrated. But I will co-operate with the shift. Something new is about to happen. I want to be there for it.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. – Isaiah 43: 19
As I was writing this, my lovely girlfriend sent me a text message –
“ABC has been reinstated for student loans…”
This is part of my reality, but there is now a way for me to continue on the road a head of me.
When I lose control my mind tries to take control of the things it can. I like having control. I like being in control. But somethings are so far out of my control that I cannot handle it anymore. I break. I fight. I fall into a mindset of hopelessness. But this is the walk, which has come to embrace me.
My brain feels like this: Shift. Shift. Swerve. Shift…. such is life.